Blessed Insomnia

Good Morning Darling!

There is a post I have been wanting to write about insomnia.  Then I had a day or two of good rest :). BUT last night my sleep was fitful.  I was terribly uncomfortable when I was awake, and my dreams were filled with anxiety and illness.

However, I have discovered some years ago the blessings, true blessings, of insomnia.    In fact, there are some nights that I long for it, kinda hoping I will wake at 3 am, unable to sleep.

See, my place of worship is my bed.  Other people feel closest to God in church, some in the woods, some on a run.  These are places where people can focus on Him and shed easily the distractions of their day.  However, my best place to worship is when I am too tired to think, when I let down my guard, when I am not full of self important purpose or chores.  When I awake in the middle of the night, when the house is quiet and dark, when I must stay in bed to keep from waking the puppy and won't turn on the computer in case it wakes TWS, that is when I talk best to my Father.

There are no distractions.  There is no interruption.  There is just Him and me in a sacred and beautiful communion.  I praise Him, I pray, I cry, I fret, I struggle.   Some nights, like the other night, I feel warm and full, completely loved and at peace.  I delight in Him and His mercy and blessing, and even when I doze, I hear myself praising Him as I rise like a leaf floating on air currents through varying levels of consciousness to awakeness.  I am a holy and dearly loved child, fighting sleep to tell Him I love Him and to thank Him for all He does.

Other nights, like last night, He and I struggle mightily against my anxieties and sins and the enemy that will try to use my human nature against me.  The enemy prowls around my bed, waiting for me to wake in the night just enough to whisper hints and temptations and fears to get me fretting and stressing.   I then begin to wrestle with my thoughts and emotions but my Lord strengthens me.  He and I fight my human nature in a restless and uncomfortable battlefield which generally involves not only mental and emotional struggle, but physical aches or discomforts too.  I writhe there, suspended painfully between sunset and daylight, yearning for sleep and the respite it gives.  Yet He guides me, gives me hope and succor, reminds me of His might, and shows me how my human, carnal side is taking charge and how to defeat it.  The Lord knows I want His will, and also knows that I am broken, human and entirely too comfortable relying on my own strength, so He helps me when I am too tired to fight Him helping me.   I am thoroughly weak, but He is thoroughly strong.  At night we can do our best work.

I am not one of those who gets easily by on constricted sleep for long.  But there, too, is blessing.  After a night like last night, I am keenly and acutely aware of how much I will need to depend on Him for my daytime tasks, to keep from sinning in my sleepiness, to remember that the time spent with Him is never in vain.  The battle continues in the morning, but it is more of a practice battle, where I learn to use the lessons He taught me, where I review our struggle and war with my human nature.  Being exhausted from the wounds of the night means I am more likely to bleed in the day with anxiety or petulance or sorrow.  Knowing that ahead of time gives me more reason to rest on Him, to beg His mercy and kindness to help me, to ask Him to strengthen me.  When I am weak, I am strong.

And when there is a night like the other night, where I was loathe to sleep because I was enjoying being with Him so much, wrapped in warm blankets and filled with joy, the cost the following day is nothing at all, an easy sacrifice for those moments spent in quiet solitude, as close to my Lord as I have ever felt.  That day is gentle, spent in sweet and quiet happiness.  I smile, I laugh easily, I talk softly, I marvel at Him and His creation and the beauty that surrounds me.  Oh I am still liable, in my sleepless state, to lose the road, but I am so eager to stay close to Him that I make a conscious effort not to wander.

Do I WANT insomnia?  Only on the good nights ;).  However, I am thankful for all the nights.  He knows I need rest.  He knows I need work.  He knows everything I need.  Like Paul, I am learning (though much more slowly than he did) to be content in rest and in sleeplessness.  The Lord is mighty and good and directs all my paths.  When I remember that (which is hard!), then insomnia becomes a blessing.