Today is an off day for me. Just woke up with an ennui wrapping my heart and mind in a warm, heavy blanket.
However, I have been working (for years, ahem) on not letting my moods be disruptive. I know after all this time that in an hour, a day, maybe a couple of days, the mood will change, as it is not based in anything but living in my own head. So why let it rule the roost? I used to be very verbal (again, ahem) with my moods, scowling or weeping or pouting openly until someone or something fixed it.
The thing is that I am responsible for managing my moods. It is not the task of the world to make me happy--they have their own moods and struggles to contend with. I have the choice of taking offense....or not. I have the choice of manhandling my mood or letting my mood manhandle me. The latter just ends up making everyone miserable, making me need to apologise, and making my family have to walk on eggshells--all for something that will be over in a day and I will forget in a week.
Now, the thing is that I can't just "suddenly be happy"--not yet. I believe the Lord gives us joy to be accessed at ANY time because it pleases and brings glory to Him. One day, perhaps soon, I will be able to switch a mood like switching a light. It is reasonable to expect because the Lord gave it to me.
In the meantime, I practice. I practice being still when I am upset--still in body, still in mind, still in spirit, but ESPECIALLY still in mouth ;). No stomping or door slamming, no nursing wounds or slights or grudges, no indulging in "poor pitiful me" (which is really self centeredness--you can tell because it feels really good to be the martyr, the victim :) ), and especially no "venting" to my family so that they jump all over themselves to make whatever I thought might have happened right.
Nah, no one did me wrong. I am just in a mood. But I am learning not to like this mood, as self soothing as it can be sometimes. I am working on keeping my mouth shut til it passes, speaking in quiet tones when I need to speak, and looking for something else to distract my mind til it gets over itself. It is hard, DURN hard! I like to lick a wound like everyone else. And sometimes people do things that really hurt me, really bug me. But truly, it is not everyone else's job to make sure I do not get my knickers in a knot ;). It is my job to be patient with the humanness of the humans around me, generous enough to look over faults, wise enough to verify that what I thought was a slight was actually meant to be one (hint: over 90% of the time it was not.), then forgiving as the Lord forgave me.
Yes, I talk an exceedingly good game ;). Much better than I actually am, regrettably. But this is serious business with the actual hearts of real humans, so I must be diligent in it.
So, with that being said, this is my plan for today:
Pray. The Lord knows what I want, need, can do, can't do. He knows where my secret hurts are. He knows me. He loves me. He will strengthen me and give me peace.
Act. But I have to reach for that peace. I have to look for that strength. The Lord feeds the birds of the air, but He does not put the food in their nests for them. I lack nothing spiritually--I have peace (but I have to use it), I have joy (but I have to choose it), I have love (but I have to give it), I have faith (but I have to live it). He did His part, now it is up to me to do mine. He put the "cars" of peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control in our spiritual garages, but it is choice whether we drive them or not.
Distract. Seriously, I just need distraction sometimes to let the adrenaline and the cortisol subside. Distraction is wonderful and instant, and the aforementioned hormones have a very short life (*IF* we don't keep feeding them with poor pitiful me thoughts!). So in a matter of minutes even my body chemistry is making it easy for me to get a grip. For distraction from self, nothing works as well as doing something for others. Oh and fishing. And sewing. And stuff like that :). So I am going to go have a massive cook day (which is on my schedule anyway). Today I am going to make enchiladas that TWS has been asking for, as well as chili, and perhaps jambalaya. I am also going to make sausage egg biscuits for TWS for his breakfast. All these will be put in the freezer for breakfasts, dinners, suppers.
Thank you so much for listening to me! I just needed a kind eye to walk through this, and you are beyond kind! I am feeling much better (see, looking to God and then a fair bit of distraction helps immensely!).
I hope you have a wonderful, blessed day, my dear sweet friend! God bless you and keep you!
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