One Of Those Days

Hello my sweet friend

Well yesterday was one of THOSE days.  One of those "wow I am not at all the person I though I was, not at all as faithful as I should be to the Lord, and basically need to do a LOT of prayer and soul searching" days.

I won't bore you with details but let me just give a hint to the drama:  at one point I was cussing (I pretty much NEVER cuss unless I get badly burnt on the stove or something), at another point I was sobbing so heavily on TWS's shoulder that I was honestly trying not to gag, at another point the family gently invited me to go rest while they threw a ruined meal that I had cooked away and cleaned the kitchen (it was REALLY bad--I said it needed to be thrown away first).

Even bread that I baked (and I am a pretty good bread baker) was ruined.

Precious and I were talking later about why I was SO upset and the real truth was not the undercooked chicken or the new-recipe fried cornbread that somehow had entirely too much baking soda in it to the point that it actually tasted tainted, or even fallen bread.

 The truth is that the smoke was in the air long before the proverbial fire hit the kitchen.  I had spent several glorious days basking in the Love of our Lord and that morning I turned a bit cold.  I still don't know why.  I had NOT turned my back on Jesus at all, but was just in sort of a cold mood to Him--kinda like how we love our parents or kids or sweeties or friends but some days we just sort of act like jerks.

That, my friend, was my downfall for yesterday.  Instead of staying put in bed and focusing on getting myself geared up for spiritual battle, I just sort of ignored my mood and went on my day.  That allowed the enemy to gain a foothold in my heart, in my mind, in my spirit.  It left me unprepared, ungirded, unprotected for the day.  I was awful, I was lost, and I fell completely apart.

Now, as much as I hate this and am still begging the Lord for His mercy and forgiveness, it taught me incredible lessons.  Since I sometimes I suspect that the purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others ;), I want to humble myself in my failure publicly with you, and to let you know how to avoid what happened to me and what I learned.

1)  He really is all merciful.  Let's start with the biggest takeaway first.  He is kind.  He is not outdone by kindness or forgiveness by anyone.  There is only one unpardonable sin, and even being a jerk to Jesus is not it (but definitely don't do it!).

2) Spiritual battle is real.  It is.  If you feel yourself feeling "meh" spiritually, Be. On. Your. Guard.

3) Emotions are not an infallible gauge of spiritual strength or weakness or anything.  Just because things FEEL bad, that does not mean they are.  Just because you FEEL invulnerable, that does not mean you are.  Your heart is NOT your spirit.  Your heart is human and twitchy and can feel different things depending on sleep levels or hormones or the events of the day.  If you feel upset, STOP, rely on your spirit, not on your heart.

4)  However, emotions can be useful guides to your spiritual state.  If I had stopped earlier yesterday and used my "meh" as a signal to stop and think and pray and draw closer to the Lord, then the emotions that were drawn out during the cooking fiasco would have been reduced or may not have been there at all.  I actually can laugh at my cooking disasters usually.   I pretty much never break down in tears over them, and definitely not sobbing so hard that I choke.

5)  We can't let recent success lull us into thinking we can't be beat.  Just like how the top seeded team in football will lose to an underdog because they get cocky, so too can we get spiritually uppity and neglect to remember our own frailty.

6)  Everything good comes from the Lord.  I realized that my good, the good I do, the good I am, is 100% from the Lord.  I am not naturally good.  He is naturally good.  I have one foot in heaven and one foot in humanity, and I can lean one way or the other.  If I do not lean to Him, rely on Him for my footing, then my "heaven foot" slips and I plant both feet into the quicksand of the enemy.


Today is a new day.  It is overcast like yesterday.  I am still emotionally "hung over" from yesterday and am taking this time to be submissive to Him, to try to correct my errors in thinking, to re-establish my footing.  I am afraid, my dear friend, because I was so awful.  But then this is faith, yes?  Knowing what you deserve and trusting that the Lord loves you enough to understand and help you do better.

Pray for me and I will pray for you :)  I love you :)