Best Intentions/Bad Results/Better than Best Grace

Good Morning Sweet One!

Well yesterday was a trial!  I had written a post on living a graceful life.  I was ready and eager to tackle my day--massive cook AND no water--in benign and peaceful grace.  I would glide, gracefully, into my kitchen and put on a pretty apron.  There I would, gracefully, work around no water.  I would season my speech, and the chicken, with grace.  Then, in a fit of grace, I would gracefully bless my family with with many freezer meals filled with lasagne and potato soup and...um...grace. 

Yeah.  OR what could happen is that every single sound would grate on my nerves.  The mission to repair the water regulator was derailed by unforeseen need for parts.  I would unpack a box and find that a huge pretty bowl was chipped (by me, not the packers, they did a great job).  I would stub toes and hit my own fingers with the hammer.  I would drop nails and hang pictures crooked and not be able to get where I needed to on the wall because of so much STUFF in my kitchen.  I would put enormous pressure on myself, feeling like a failure because I had not had a full dinner cooked.  I would put things on shelves that would fall back on me.  Everything I would do would turn out to take 8 times as long and work poorly.  And on top of that, I would be fighting off a headache and a stuffy head.  Seriously, things went from bad to worse to the point that I was PAST furious and into incredulous chuckling about how ridiculous everything had become.  You ever get to the point that things are going SO wrong SO quickly that you actually start to laugh at how BAD things are going?

Needless to say, at some points I was NOT living a graceful life.  In fact, I needed a knot jerked in my tail.  I was frustrated and irritated to where every noise just grated on my nerves.  I was short tempered and grouchy.

I thought about not telling you this, about leaving an aura of "Steph is a calm, peaceful, gentle woman" (I hear those of you who have met me snorting!).

But I want this blog to be real.  I want to show how a graceful life is accomplished when things are going badly, when you are gritting your teeth, when the headache is so bad that your HAIR hurts, when you just want to cry or scream or run.

Yesterday my sweet family showed me so much grace.  They were patient, gentle, and tried everything they knew of to get me out of my rut.  By that time though I had put so much pressure on myself (to cook lunch, of all things) that I was almost irretrievable from the frustration that was coursing through my veins.

I know better than that.  I should have excused myself WELL before I got to that point.  That is one lesson that I failed at that I would like to pass on--you have to actively change whatever mood you want changed.  You have to be watchful and wary enough to say "I need a minute".  I kept plowing, determined that, in that situation of everything I put my hands to falling apart, I would prevail.  But I did not.  I failed.

There is a funny thing about that failure though--in one way it was actually a win.  Normally when I crash so brilliantly in a fireball of stomping feet and gritted teeth and wordless (thankfully!) verbalizations of anger, the enemy puts shame on me as well.  That shame is not the healthy remorse, but the horrible "IamnevergoingtogetthisrightandIamahorriblepersonandeverythingisawfulandmyfamilyderservesbetterandandand....".  Then I end up even MORE upset!!

Yesterday, thank the Lord, there was the Lord.  I knew He would cover over my sin of this day with His precious blood, and I spoke that out loud to whatever enemies were crouching behind the picture that would not hang right and the dishes I kept dropping and  the half unpacked boxes that littered my kitchen.  I decided to put on music and start to cook, knowing that Jesus had me covered.  Oh I definitely needed to get on my knees and apologise to my family and to Him, BUT to my enemy, I was closed for business.  I claimed the Lord and His mercy in the middle of my frustration and temper.  It is my right to do so.  It is EVEN MORE MY RIGHT TO DO SO WHEN I AM WEAK.  Like the Word of God says, we cannot and should not sin on purpose so that grace will cover us more, no.  However, when (not if, when) we DO sin, we can rejoice in the purchase of His blood that has redeemed us.  In that moment of weakness, when we deserve it the least, it is our right to claim it the most.  Does that make sense?

I used to think I needed to flog myself, to punish myself, to make myself suffer in horrible shame.  No.  That is not my right.  It is not spiritual sound.  Remorse and repentance are sound, but that horrible, stare-at-your-own-bellybutton-and-wallow shame is not productive and does not praise the Lord.  It is still focused on YOU.   When you stare at your belly button, become self absorbed, even with your own sin, you are SELF absorbed, not GOD absorbed :).  When you turn your thoughts to Him and His mercy and grace to cover you...there...THAT is when the Lord is glorified and the enemy driven, and you are in your proper place. of mercy and submission to a loving, kind Father who has more than enough love and forgiveness for anything you may have done.