My sweet, dear friend!
I have been thinking about you :) I hope you have been doing well!
I wanted to share with you something that the Lord taught me (again!) today regarding forgiveness and love. :)
You see, I do not have many people that I quarrel with. I am an intense person, but I am pretty laid back in terms of holding grudges or being angry. I have a quick temper, but a slow fuse if that makes sense. I get irritated quickly, but I do not get ANGRY at people quickly. And when I do, it normally fades into hurt feelings instead of anger. So generally the concept of "forgiveness" does not come up a whole lot, to be honest.
However, there are a few souls in my life with whom forgiveness is the word that I must bind upon the relationship. I do not want to get into details, but suffice to say that there is deeply wounded feelings (I am sure on both sides). I know their heart is hurting, and I know mine is too. I know that I have tried to repair the damage I have caused, and I know they are still to angry to hear it. I know that I have to be ready for them to repair the damage they have caused, and that I must ALWAYS be ready, at any moment, to hear and forgive them.
That really, I do not think, is going to be too difficult. The Lord made me to be happy with people who are nice to me. Apologies go very far with me, perhaps because I have made my share of mess ups or maybe because staying angry in the face of an apology is spiritually dangerous and damaging, or maybe because I just don't have the energy to nurse a grudge in the face of a proffered bandaid.
So I don't get truly angry at people easily, and I generally readily accept apologies and just want everything ok, but what DOES get to me, my weak spot, is......silence. That period of time, perhaps years of time, between war and truce, between battle and healing, between sin and forgiveness. It is excruciating to me. I either want everything hashed out in battle or resolved in peace talks. The heavy, oppressive days, months, or years of silence when eggshells cover the ground are horrible.
And the dumb part of it is that other people seem to have no problem during this time. Some of us enjoy the silent treatment, the nursing of wounds in the dark and secret, of completely ignoring the existence of the person who hurt or angered us. Some of us are fine with knowing there are people out there that we are not talking to.
But that is not me. I hate drama. Even silent drama, like a silent poison, spreads through my days and imagination. It is during this time that I, still on guard and waiting for a sign for either war or peace, will imagine conversations in my head. I will assume I know what the other person is thinking.
TWS says they are not thinking about me at all. They simply do not want us in their lives. I am actually ok with that! I just want the official declaration, so to speak :) I want to be told frankly: "We are severing ties with you.". While I would hate that, at least I would stop hoping for reconciliation OR bracing for the next salvo. I would simply nod and move on. I have a full circle of good people, I do not have need for others who do not want to be part of my life BUT I also love people and want to welcome everyone who does want to be part of my life. Those who turn their backs at the fringes--staying just in sight enough to remind me that they are not talking to me--hurt and disrupt my happy little world lolol.
However, the Lord uses these pillars of people, just a few of them, to make me practice ongoing, unappreciated forgiveness. As He forgave people even as they were celebrating His death, we, too, must forgive even when our enemies (ohhh I hate to use that word!) are celebrating our trials. We must forgive even when those we love do not love us back. We must forgive when our enemies (ugh!) show us their disproval by not supporting those whom we love who are innocent--children, family, friends.
I will be honest. I want to list the blame, the reasons I have to be upset. In some cases I have the "right" to be upset because either the "sin balance" is in my favor or I had not sinned at all, and this is just a personal thing on their part.
I go through bouts of steeling my heart toward people. Then the Lord makes me take down each and every brick. It is not about them. It is not about me. It is about Him and His work which cannot flow through our hearts if we have walled them off. Yesterday I made a wall in my heart, in my mind. Today, the Lord had me tear it down--every brick.
So yes, even when we know it is going to hurt to remain soft to every insult or slight or attack, soft we must remain, pouring out love where they pour out anger and hurt. We must offer them cool cups of water when they offer us cups of verbal or nonverbal poison. We must fill the void of their silence with prayers for them. We must pray for them, earnestly and whole heartedly, for the Lord to soothe their wounds, to soften their hearts, to turn their hearts to Him....and then hopefully to us.
Do you ever get so overwhelmed by the incredibleness of the blessings that the Lord has shown to you that you just break down and weep?
I will be honest, I am not a weeper. I cry when I am frustrated or angry (which bugs me to no end!); I cry when I am hurt. But I am very rarely so overwhelmed with a wave of gratitude that I sob. I see people in church who are moved to open, streaming tears and, honestly, have felt a little guilty that I did not feel whatever it was that they were feeling that made them break down in joy. I have felt the exultation of the Lord in church many times, I have felt conviction and forgiven in church, I have felt peace and happiness in church pretty much every time we go, but rarely have I had such realization of a blessing that I could not contain it.
This morning, as I was folding laundry, of all things, I was talking to the Lord (me doing most of the talking :) ). Suddenly I realized the magnitude of some blessings He had given me, and my heart was so overcome by the kindness and mercy that tears were the only response. Not a tiny cute tear to dab daintily in the corner of an eye, but pouring, streaming, choking, unabashed tears of a person who just realized they were healed from illness and wounds they thought they would never be healed from. They were the tears of a parent whose lost child has been found. They were the tears of a soldier holding his new child for the first time after returning home. They were the tears of reprieve, of a clear medical test, of forgiveness received, of finally being safe and out of danger.
The funny/tragic thing is that these blessings that had moved me to tears today were blessings I have had for a long time. I received no news today that would change my life forever. The Lord simply opened my eyes, stilled my mind, long enough for me to truly see. Even now, when I let that little door of my heart be opened, I am blinking back tears.
How I could have spent so long being thankful but not THIS thankful, THIS aware, I have no idea. Chalk it up to life, to being jaded or expectant or busy or foolish or distracted....I don't know. All I know is that today I am so thankful to the Lord that I do not even know what to say to Him. I am so overwhelmed that I do not know how to react but to tell you about His goodness. All I know is that I am SO terribly sorry that I have not praised Him as much as I could have for what He has done. My gratitude would have been pitiful compared to the blessings, but I could have tried harder :). I wonder what other overwhelming, incredible blessings that He has given me that I have taken for granted? The thought both troubles me and heartens me. I am troubled that I do not/have not/can not see all that He has done for me, but I am heartened and excited that He might break my heart open just a little bit more so that I may fully embrace His blessings and know His love for me, His unmerited, undeserved love that He pours out on ALLLLLL of His babies.
So today, my dear friend, look at Him. Ask Him to show you how much He has blessed you and be ready to open your mind and heart and spirit to it. So often we get bogged down in the roughness of the bark of the trees that we do not see the incredible, magnificent, soul soothing, heart breaking, body strengthening, spirit nurturing forest of our life that He made specifically for each one of us.
Beautiful One!
Today has been a day of blogging, I tell you what! I type a little, cook a little, take a few photos, type some more, cook some more. It has been a busy and productive morning :)
I feel so much better being productive, don't you? I do not think work is a four letter word...but I think Lazy is (and I have indulged way too much laziness in myself!).
Anyway, back to today :) I am making some bread today and thought I might introduce you to my bread baking station!!! I am so incredibly tickled about how beautifully it turned out :)
My darling friend! How are you this morning?
I have had a wonderful nap (see earlier post :) ), and am now (almost) ready to get this party started!
I am bubbling with ideas of things I want to learn and do! I am praying that the Lord will stop me from any foolish wastes of time, but I am not making myself nervous waiting for Him to actually slip me His schedule for my day. :D
That being said, let's run down some of the things I am pondering and you can tell me which you like!
First of all, cheesemaking. I would love to start making my own mozzarella cheese from time to time. I may not become a "cheese maker" but I would love to have the skill. I ADORE planting little seeds of capability in myself! I might make these seeds grow, like the bread baking that, if I do say, I am fairly decent at. Or I might sprout them but let them lay dormant (like soap making) until I need them again. Spending a weekend trying a new skill makes it so much easier for me to take up that skill if I need it in years to come. I think I will try a batch of cheese for instant gratification that uses vinegar instead of rennet. In the meantime, I will order some rennet and citric acid to make mozzarella.
Secondly, I want to redo the screened porch. It is sort of.....brown. Like flat brown paint with a weary off white ceiling. I made the mistake of buying some curtains that I thought would make it look updated but actually just made it MORE dated! The curtains are fine, but the valances are sort of scalloped and look very grandma-ish.
Now, I love grandma houses! Don't get me wrong! I just am not a grandma yet and am looking for something a little different. :)
My plan is to paint the supports of the screen and the ceiling bright white. I want to paint the floor a happy, bright grey. I am kicking around what color to paint the wicker--either white or black, I think. Probably white. Summers get hot here (at least that is what the rumor is...last summer was very cool! lol), so I want the screened porch airy with teal accents. I plan to take the ruffled valances and put them at the end of the curtains as a)that will look better and b)the curtains don't reach the floor!
TWS has also offered to put us in a summer kitchen in the screened porch because my stove will not support the pots for canning! I am designing the screen porch like a little studio apartment with an eat in "kitchen" with stove and running water.
This is where the kitchen will go......TWS can link the water and drainage right into the pipes that feed the kitchen on the other side of the wall.
(that folding door is going to be painted and something nifty done with the inserts)
Do you see where the Louisiana basket is on the wall? I am thinking about putting the daybed perpendicular to that wall. I can't put it against one of the screen walls or people will get wet. I like the idea of using the back side of the bed to delineate where the kitchen stops.
My other choice is to put the daybed towards the end of the room where the table and chairs are now. I can use that as a seating area, with the bed having its back to the table and chairs which will go....
....a little further out from the swing. I would like to keep the swing--it is fun :) But we will have to see. I might move this swing onto the front porch with the other swing that is there so everyone has a swing to sit on :)
If you go to my pinterest board (if you are interested) you can see the look I am going for. I tried to post the pics here but that would have taken more time than I was willing to spend today--I wanted to get this posted for you :)
Here is the link to my screened porch kitchen board: http://www.pinterest.com/atropine/screened-porch-kitchen/It is going to have to warm up for us to do much though--it is too cold to paint.
Do you have any big ideas happening? Any pinterest-y stuff to get trying? Let me know! :)
Good morning my sweet friend!
My we are up early! I don't know about you, but I see a nap heading my way here soon :)
I just wanted to catch you up on life this week :)
First of all, my last post, I know, was a bit introspective. To be honest, it was a harbinger of about two weeks of navel staring and spiraling despondency! I wrote dreadful poetry, cried often, and misinterpreted the words of loved ones to be attacks on my worth as a person (which they were not doing!).
I am not a despondent person at all. In fact, if I am down for more than a day, one of my friends starts to freak out a bit.
However, sometimes we need bouts of positive disintegration for the Lord to move us forward! Which He mercifully did!!!
I cannot tell you the difference in the past few days. I went from feeling like I was wandering aimlessly through the fog, depressed actually (which I NEVER am), to having a clear head and firm footing. It just took going to the pool, which I had not done in weeks.
Ok, it was more than going to the pool, but that certainly helped! There, in the warm, blue water, with the scent of chlorine wafting like the finest perfume ever created tickling my nose and the sounds of music that I reserve just for my swim times in my ears, the Lord reminded me of who I am, of how He made me. He taught me that I have gumption and always have (I had forgotten). He reminded me of how sovereign and kind He is. He reminded me that He loves me--even with my sins and stumbles and failures--and always will.
I emerged from the pool dauntless and excited about life for the first time in a long time! The sorrows and issues that had been the volleys that the enemy was using to make me think I was bleeding were still there BUT I was suddenly aware that I was not actually wounded, that the Lord had made me strong. I was pretend bleeding and needed to stop. :)
I swam, literally and figuratively, out of that mire, that sense of "falling without ever hitting the ground".
My friend, when you feel despondent, overwhelmed, scarred from the past, wounded in the present, and afraid for the future, I pray that you will draw closer to the Lord, for there is love and mercy for you. If you feel that He is far away, that is a lie--He is right with you. It is like you are a child who has turned away and now feels lost, even though your Father is literally within arm's reach. Just turn around and curl up at His feet and let His love and assurance of your worth in Him, how much He really really LIKES you and wants to be with you, to spend time with you, comfort you. Keep your thoughts on Him until the enemy realizes that you will not be fooled anymore and flees. Then keep your thoughts on Him so that you will not be weighed low by anxieties and stress again. :)
Today, my friend, the light of the person that He made me (and you!) to be is starting to break through the cracks and shine. I am remembering how fun it is to learn something new. I am divesting myself of the self imposed "Oh....I don't know if this is what I am supposed to do, so I will do nothing" broken thoughts that were running through my head. I am embracing the life that He gave me, more and more each day, and am eagerly waiting for His physical return, even as I work diligently to keep my heart and mind and spirit focused on Him.
And with that, I am happily spent. My belly is full from cornbread and butter that I had for breakfast and I am ready to go nap so I have the energy to seize this life with both hands. :)
God bless you, my dear friend! Love you!!!
