Deaths of Dreams and Realizations of Limitations

My sweet friend....

I have been considering my life.  I do this all the time--staring at my own belly button is a favorite pastime of mine--but recently I have been actually taking stock of my abilities and my limitations, my desires and my neglects, my loves and my hates, my heart, my spirit, my body, and my mind.

My goodness.

What a difficult thing it is to realize that the age of the mind and the age of the body are two different things.  What a difficult thing it is to realize that what we are in our heads, both good and bad, is different from what we are.  What a difficult thing it is to say "This dream needs to be carefully wrapped in a piece of lace from a dress we wore when we were young and strong, tucked in a plain brown box and tied with twine, or perhaps with a faded blue ribbon, and placed high on a shelf to be forgotten.".

What an amazing thing it is to look at the moments of our lives and say "I did well here, here, and there." and a sorrowful thing to have to say "But here, here, and there I utterly, completely, shamefully failed.".

Is this a crisis moment?  No.  A midlife bout of existential angst?  <smile>  Yes, perhaps.

I think our lives might be a garden...in our youth, we draw up plans and ordered seeds from brightly colored catalogues that show promise of perfect results.  We eagerly talk about this dream and that expectation and envision ornate and beautiful flower strewn walks and baskets overflowing with juicy, ripe fruit.

Then the spring comes and it is time!  We plant some seeds with diligence, scatter others half-heartedly, and water when we remember.  There are some sections of our gardens that we focus on--hopefully on the plants that will sustain us such as faith and love and family and charity.

Sometimes the Lord is merciful and makes even a neglected place in our gardens bear amazing fruit.  We carry armloads of unexpected nourishment to our kitchens to carefully and gently process and save.

Or sometimes we turn our backs, letting that fruit rot on the vine, looking at our dream plants or expecting someone else to do the work of keeping the harvest.

And sometimes we can fret and flutter and baby a seed with the hopes it will grow, and it just never does.  We keep waiting for the softer rain, the brighter sun, the cooler night to make our dream plant grow, but it never comes.

Then, I think, we get to the moment that I am in and we stand in our garden and take a good look around.  We realize that the wind has turned colder, the sun slightly more dim, and there is no time for that dream plant of ours to ever grow to produce fruit.  We squint, though, and can see the jars of preserved fruits that are in our cabinets and hope that they are enough to last through the winter.  We might even be surprised by the beauty of a quilted, half-pint jar of love or faith or friendship that we canned when we were waiting for our dream plant to grow.

We might lament the dreams that die, or understand that we had limited time and water and focused on those plants of love and mercy and family that needed it more.  We might realize that our lives are not, and will never be, a plantation brimming with dominant trees and running brooks and frolicking appaloosa colts that is the showpiece of the whole county--that dream we once held of being so much to so many.  We might realize that our lives are a little cottage garden with a broken gate, a few too many weeds, and we just hope that our small bounty is enough to feed those whom we love.

There is a time, I reckon, when it is time to put the seed catalogues away, to put away the dreams of grandeur, and instead water our own little gardens more deeply and purely....perhaps what we should have done in the beginning before our ambitions drove us to believe that we needed to do more and be more.

What an odd thing it is to be in every new age, is it not?  I think I will continue to muse on this and consider where my efforts were fruitful, where they were fruitless, and how I can focus more on the eternal.  I will, regrettably and ruefully, acknowledge my limitations and pray that the Lord will let fruit grow where I was inept, and I praise Him for His mercy when He proved that He is the one who lets dreams grow and He is the only One with wisdom to prevent some of our dreams from ever taking root.

Softest, Shiniest Hair!

My sweet friend!

I believe in taking care of our appearance.  Not in terms of being vain--not at all!  However, taking reasonable care of our appearance--looking neat, orderly, and appealing--I think is a good thing.

I also love long hair.  There is something so beautiful about long hair on a girl or woman.  I think at each stage of life, long, well-kept hair provides such a statement about femininity, creativity, strength, glory, order, and vigor.  I do not think I ever feel as pretty and winsome as when my hair blows in the wind across my face.  When I face the wind and feel it comb my hair away from my face, that just feels like a soft caress from a loved one.  Perhaps it is!  Perhaps the Lord is tenderly brushing my hair back with the wind He created.

However, with long hair, or any hair for that matter, winter and curling and air conditioning and swimming and other activities can leave hair looking dull and feeling ..."crunchy".

A couple of years ago, I had happened upon, by the mercy of the Lord, an easy regimen that is amazingly wonderful for my hair!  It worked fantastically, but then I stopped doing it and my hair  turned to straw from the chlorine and the dryness of winter.  Let me tell you about it....

Dove Whipped Mousse, CHI silk infusion, and clips.

At night, after I have washed my hair and it has dried slightly, I use Dove whipped cream mousse and CHI silk infusion.  I put about two ping pong balls worth of mousse in my hand (I have a lot of long hair).  Then I drizzle CHI silk infusion over it and mix it in my hand with my finger.  Then I work it in all through my hair.  I comb my hair to make it straight, part my hair, then take bits of hair and twist it around my fingers like doing a pin curl.  Instead of using bobby pins, I just use clips to secure the curl.  I do this to all of my hair and then go to sleep!

In the morning, I take out all the pins and have, truly, the softest hair I have ever felt on a person, falling in pretty  curls.  I let them just stay as they are for a few minutes without combing or styling until I am sure the curls are dry and set.  Now, if I want to have no curls, just waves, then it is easy to comb them out and have just full pretty waves.  Or if I want to keep curls, I loosely finger comb my hair, then use a real comb around the top of my head to make the top lay neat (I love the 40's retro look of neat hair that turns into full curls).

I will say this:  Be prepared for sticker shock with the CHI.  However, a bottle lasts for months, even with as long of hair as I have.  So averaging the price out, it is about the same as how much you would spend buying a mid priced conditioner for the same amount of time.  You might start with the little bottle to see if you like it. 

I was worried that TWS might not appreciate my nighttime look of all the clips, but he thinks it is cute :)  I think he gets a kick out of the retro-ness of it :).  The clips are so easy to sleep in--much more comfortable than rag rolling or using sponge curlers.

If your hair is shorter or you do not want curls, then you can either just put this mix on and sleep on it (perhaps wrapping your hair to keep the treatment on) or, if your hair is long enough, braid it instead of using the clips.  However, do try the clips sometime as it makes lovely waves and body the more you comb it out.

How well does this work?  The difference between my hair two weeks ago and my hair today is astounding.  Two weeks ago I honestly thought I would have to cut a few inches off as it was getting so dry and straw-like.  It was dull and stiff and unpleasant.  It felt crunchy even wet in the shower!

After a few nights (you have to be diligent with this!), my hair is now so much softer that I can even feel a difference when I wash it!  It is at least 4 times more shiny and 100% softer than it was two weeks ago.

I have found that, once your hair is nicely conditioned again, you may skip a day or two, but that you need to get back to at least putting the mousse and silk infusion in it and braiding it. (braiding and curling keep the conditioners from rubbing off or evaporating too quickly and keeps the hair neat).

One last hint:   if you do the curls with the clips, make sure you start wrapping the curls around your fingers at the very tips of your hair.  Otherwise your hair will have these beautiful waves then two inches of straight hair, which is not very pretty :) 

It takes a couple of nights of practice to get quick with wrapping the curls around your fingers, but soon you can whip your hair into clips in just a few minutes.

Do try this for a week :)  I think you will be amazed!

Is Being Our Authentic Selves An Act of Worship?

My sweet friend, allow me to muse a bit....

I have been thinking about "authentic self"--that deep down person you were formed to be, the very best of you that the Lord put in you.

I have been thinking of how amazing the Lord is and how He made man in His image and how we Christians have the Holy Spirit with us constantly.  He is so much greater than we can imagine and so often we limit Him!

I have read several articles, such as  this one from Bonnie Gray (and a few others she wrote--they are on the sidebar of that page and are excellent).  I have been thinking about how much we yearn to be more than we are, for life to have more meaning than it often does.

It seems that we deny the wrong part of ourselves:  we deny whom the Lord made us, but embrace our baser, coarser selves; instead of denying our selfishness and meanness and snarkiness and embracing our purer, holier selves.

Now, I am not talking about just wandering about our house singing hymns and genuflecting :)  I am talking about making our lives holy sacrifices by getting in touch with the talents, abilities, traits, etc that the Lord put into each of us.  I don't know about you, but when I am in that place of "fearfully and wonderfully made", I find that my desire to sin just floats away. 
I do not want to overeat--I want to feast on the miracle of Creation that I am and do not need to hide my pain or sorrow or anger with food--there is no pain or anger or sorrow! 
I do not compare myself to others--I am too busy delighting in what the Lord has done! 
I do not have anxiety--I have eternity in my hands to play with like weaving cotton candy through my fingers....what on earth do I have to be anxious about? 
I do not nurse grudges--I mean, who has time to lick old wounds when dancing with the Lord's creation?
I do not feel pride in myself because my attention is on the Lord and His wonder and creation and that little bit of His power that He has placed in me!

I think that is why I am so drawn to people displaying their talents, their abilities, their creativity.  I find as much delight in watching Jarrod Radnich play Pirates of the Caribbean as I do watching TWS close his eyes and move his hands in the air as he mentally "builds" a pipe system and then stand in amazement of the miracle I witness when he opens his eyes and can flawlessly say exactly how many 45 degree elbows, 90 degree elbows, straight lengths, couplings, and whatever else goes into that project.

I love to see people in a state of transcendence as they touch eternity with their art, with their writing, with their music, with their counseling, with their gardening, with their sewing or baking or dog training.

It seems, with as much pleasure that we get from these moments in ourselves, that it would seem selfish or a waste of time, that to be godly we have to be joyless and dull.

However, I am, finally, starting to realize that when I actively work my best parts of me for the glory of God, that perhaps that is not selfish at all, but perhaps the most excellent form of sacrifice (sacrificing glorification of my self) and a most wonderful type of worship.

If we use our talents to make others feel badly or to buoy ourselves so that we feel superior or if we use them for the pursuits that are against the Word, then we are sinning, of course. 

However, when we use our talents to the glory of God, delighting in His wonderful work IN US, I think that must be pleasing to Him. 


One more thought:  We often delight in His majesty in other people or other things, but we need to delight in His wonderful work IN US.  If we run ourselves down, our best part of ourselves that the Lord created, that is not holy.  Recognizing our sins and weaknesses and failures for repentance and godly sorrow IS what we need to do, but when we despise our "selves", made new in Christ, we are despising what the Lord created!

So let's you and I think, dear one, about how we can dig through the mess that the world has piled upon us and find and dust off those abilities that He gave us, our authentic selves, so that we may glorify Him and enjoy our personal corner of creation :)

A Garden Plan

Good Morning Beautiful Friend!!

This morning has been a gorgeous, slow morning. :)

TWS and I went through our garden plan for this coming season.  He uses an incredible garden planning software called GrowVeg.  This software is linked to several seed companies that we use such as our favorite Baker Creek Seed Company  and Territorial Seed Company .  That means that you can plan your garden exactly from the products that you have chosen from the available seed companies (though you can also add in other seeds if you use different companies.  I had bought some Guamanian boonie pepper seeds off of ebay last year and we just added them into the garden planner).

It also remembers what you planted last year, even after you clear the garden for this year.  It will then remind you what plants you need to avoid in specific areas.  For example, it is a bad idea to plant tomatoes in the same place you planted peppers the previous year as it increases the likelihood of disease, so it gives you a warning not to plant tomatoes in that area.

I think the software is free *IF* you go through one of the seed companies.

Last year our garden was not too bad for as late as it was.  We did not have time to start from seed and we ended up getting most of our plants from the farmer's co-op's late season half off racks :).  We did, though, get the main parts of the fence up and installed the water system.  This year I think we are ready to use the whole garden to its fullest potential.

Here are photos from our garden last year:

Good Morning, Good Morning!

My darling friend!  How are you this bright Saturday morning??

I am ready for today!  This week has been a bit of a long, though good, one and I am ready to just kick back and relax :)

The Boy did TWENTY EIGHT homeschool lessons, quizzes, and tests in Biology yesterday to finish the year!  He finished strong with a high B in the class!  He is a laid back young man, but when he puts his mind to something, he does it!

I need to run to Lowes with The Wonder Sweetie today.  I am looking for curtains for the repainted living room.  I had deep grey-teal curtains in there.  I have been attracted to that color for a while.  I painted the kitchen in a shade of that color (Actually Statten Blue from Benjamin Moore if you want to see it).   The walls in this house are sort of a cream, the molding is white, so that does not let you see the molding much--there is not enough contrast.  So I painted the kitchen walls the Statten Blue. 

I ended up with a lot of left over paint from the kitchen and wanted to paint the living room, but that room is north facing and pretty dim anyway, so I did not want to go with the same darker teal that I used in the much more light soaked kitchen.  So I had TWS bring me quarts of white paint and I mixed that in with the left over kitchen paint until I found a color I liked.  It ended up being sort of a robin's egg blue. It turned out so perfectly as the wall with the fireplace is entirely cream painted brick.  I was not sure what I was going to do with the fireplace wall, but it goes so nicely with the blue walls that I am leaving it exactly how it is!  I love it when the Lord makes a house come together in order :)

I want to take down the plantation shutters in the living room and in the kitchen.  They are not plantation blinds, but plantation shutters (think mini blinds with really wide slats).  They are fine enough, I guess, but they take a good 8-10 inches of window space at the top when they are pulled all the way up and there are so many strings that they look messy.  I want to replace them with curtains or roman shades.  Lowes has some curtains in a lovely waverly fabric, so I just need to see if the blues will go.
 
I also want to paint some art for the living room.  I am not an artist at all.  In fact, I am REALLY not an artist. :)  But I would rather do something myself than pay for mass production art that looks dot-matrix-y.  I do have some mass pro art that is PHENOMENAL--in fact I am going to have TWS build a huge frame for it.  However, most of the stuff nowadays seems a bit uninspired.

I also want to do some crocheting, bake a cake, and watch cooking shows :)  I am in a domestic mood today.

This morning while still curled up in my bed, I read about David and how his heart was for the Lord.   Here is the article I read.  It is really encouraging and uplifting--I urge you to take a gander :)
David's Devoted Heart
The article talks about how little days in our lives, little chores, etc are all part of God's plan for growing us in Him.  It talked about how David's heart sought the Lord every morning and through the day. 

I want to live like that.  I love to spend time with God in the morning :)  I LOVE mornings!  However, I also let the busyness of life interfere.  I want to start building a firmer foundation in Him where He is the focus of my whole day, no matter what my hands are working on.

I am starting by reading a Psalm in the morning and trying to ponder it.  I think it will be an encouraging and wonderful activity :)

God bless you today, my dear friend, and I pray that you draw closer to Him as well!

A GREAT Evening!

Good morning my sweet friend!!!  God bless you today!!!

Last night my darling new Athens friend finally got me to go to a Co-op she belongs to.  One can order organic food, etc, once a month.

When the items come in, everyone meets for a potluck at the house of the people who run the Co-op.  My friend had been imploring me to join them every month, but I hesitated.  I just never got the energy up to do it.

I told her to ask me after the holidays.  She sent me the invite for Jan, and I realized that I needed to accept this one!  I did not want her deciding not to ask me anymore. :) 

It is funny... I went yesterday sort of out of obligation.  My heart was not really in it at all.  I had had a very tense day which included confrontations with each member of the family, including the dog.  I was just out of sorts and grouchy.

However, I was bound to go so I went.  Let.  Me.  Tell.  You.  The Lord was meaning for me to go to this.  It was uplifting to my mind and spirit.  It was a blessing.  I met so many wonderful, open people who were delighted to chat and laugh.  We talked about gardens and the Lord and particle physics.  There were little babies, tons of teens, and plenty of adults.  The house is a converted chicken barn and is full of the neatest knickknacks and treasures.

It is funny...if I could have wiggled out of going, I probably would have and I would have missed so much!  I slid right into that community and felt blessed for it.
Oftentimes we dread doing something and make excuses not to.  We have to be wise, though, to not let laziness or fear or habit keep us from blessings.  I made new friends.  My children have new friends.  As grouchy and tired as I was yesterday, the blessings I received more than outweighed staying at home and vegging in front of the television.

So start saying yes if you tend to say no.  You might be pleasantly blessed!

We did not get back until VERY late, and then was even later going to bed.  We were all dragging today, but no time to rest :)  The cockatoo and cockatiel both have to go to the bird spa for trims and such and The Boy and I are waiting here for the pest control folk.  I have a mountain of ironing which just BEGS for an awesome movie to be put on at the same time, and I want to paint something for the living room.

So, several cups of "Atomic Java" later (50% more caffeine) and I am ready to get my day started!  I hope yours is wonderful!  I have missed our chats!

Dealing With Hurt Feelings

Hello my sweet friend,

Excuse my pensive mood, but I have been contemplating something that I wanted to chat with you about....

I think we all, deep down, have some hurt feelings.  It is sorrowful when you realize that someone just does not seem to share your affection.  You might, like I did, try to win someone over with praise and support and anything you could think of.  It is tempting to wonder "what did I do wrong?" and to think that, perhaps, the right words are out there somewhere for you to speak to make things all better.

I have one or two of those in my life, and I am sure you do too.  There are a few people, godly people, whom I just do not seem to jive with at all.  I have spent much time wondering why.  I have cried, been angry, been resigned, been hopeful, been hopeless about the relationships.

I think, though, that it is time for me to truly let go.  Not in a "Fine!  I'll just ignore you" sort of way, nor in any other unkind way. I will pray, love, hope, but stop chasing.   At some point we have to realize that maybe it just is not us that is the problem.  If someone is mad at someone, and they do not tell that person, then they cannot fix it.  It is unkind to do, but happens.

It is also hard, for me anyway, not to imagine what they "might be saying" or "probably are thinking" and get more hurt, however, this is a trick of the enemy to poison the well of my heart.  The truth of the matter is that they are probably not thinking of me, or you, at all.   Or they might be.  They might every day be sticking pins in a little doll of you or me.  However, either way that is their own problem and sorrow. 

So I will just let them drift away, and to be honest, until they want a relationship, I will be happier for it.  It is exhausting to try to fix something that the other person either does not see as broken or actually wants to keep it broken.  Sometimes we are made to be the epitome of everything wrong in someone's life and they just want to be mad at someone.

Now, this is all behind us :).  We have such blessing in the family and friends and Lord who does love us!  Why waste time on those who do not?  We must just try to fix and amend and apologise for what we can.  Then it is up to them.  The ball is in their court.  If they do not want to hit it back, we can just go find someone else to play with :).  I am not saying to shut them out.  Just leave the door cracked, but sorrowing and pining....sometimes we have to let that go.

This was good to get off the chest, don't you think?  It is a long, hard decision, especially when it involves people you love or admire.  And perhaps it is the wrong thing, but I think for me it is the best course of action right now.  I can pray for someone, but I must focus on the good people, those I can help and who will help me. :)  Those are the sphere of influence the Lord has given me, and it is there that I will focus :)

Have a great day, my darling friend!

A Year of Diligence

Good morning my sweet friend!

Oh my goodness it has been a long time since we have chatted!  I will be honest, I have been going through some teaching and changes and the Lord trying to set my mind (ahem, will) to right :)  Let me explain....

First of all, our tomato farm has failed.  The parent company went under and left us high and dry.  We are still owed many things by the company:  a heater for the greenhouse, money for tomatoes that were taken but not paid for, etc.

It is tempting to be bitter, but I am not. I am not bitter because I trust the Lord.  He has and will continue to provide.  Whatever financial trouble I have, the president of the parent company has spiritual trouble which is far worse.  There are lawsuits and such being filed against him by other affiliates, but we have chosen to not pursue that course of action.

Plus we have been blessed in what we do have--some of the affiliates invested money and have NOTHING to show for it--no greenhouse, no seedlings, nothing.  They just lost thousands of dollars.

PLUS, if I can be honest here, I needed to learn a lesson in diligence anyway.  I have been so double minded in everything that I have done little good.  I had been looking for "the thing" that God wants me to do...and refreshing my facebook page until He reveals it.

However, that was a totally lazy and inappropriate way to be.  The Lord, in His mercy and kindness, is slowly leading me to see that my work ethic needs some...well...work.  It is not that I do not do anything--I have tons of projects and such.  It is that I do not COMMIT to anything.  I do not settle things in my mind as doing them for the Lord--I just do everything as a time filler.  This is a huge sin on my part.  I believe it is better to sit still in rest for the glory of God than to build an orphanage NOT to the glory of God but just to "fill time".

And sometimes things failed because I just did not do them in time, like not freezing food quickly or not planting before things died, wasting soap and water and electricity because I let the washer sit overnight and the clothes soured and had to be rewashed.

The Lord, in His amazing mercy, has been leading me to this revelation of the shortness of time and the fault of my thinking and the double mindedness I had been living in.  I had decided that this year's word would be "diligence".  I made a list of things to do due diligence in my home, in my life.  He has been spoon feeding me bits of wisdom, as much as I could hold, and them reminding me of them when I forget.

This blog is part of the diligence that I need to address.  Whether I do the blog or not, I need to DO the blog or NOT.....not just sort of post in the emotional high of the moment, then let it drag when I see another butterfly.  I need it to be an encouragement to you AND to me AND to glorify the Lord.

Mind you, I will stumble again with that lolol.  I am still learning how not to glide, waiting for some wind to give me a tiny shove.  I am learning how to skate across the ice purposefully, deliberately, diligently.

So!  That having been said, if you are still here, thank you!  I am diligently excited :D to continue presenting our farm, our family, our life, and our Lord!